'Come As You Are' by Emily Nagoski : Book takeaways!

(You can purchase it HERE)

#ComeAsYouAre by Emily Nagoski is a lifechanging book for cis women (and those in a relationship with cis women) and a great book to start the year .with for the #HeartOnMyBookSleeve bookclub.

It reconceptualizes sex itself and really, deeply addresses the question we have been so socialized to ask – Am I normal? One of the major takeaways from this book is that the differences within women is almost equal to the difference BETWEEN genders (cis). Here are some key things that I discovered about cis bodies:

• The dual control model: Our brain has a sexual ‘accelerator’ and a ‘sexual brake’. There is really nothing ‘innate’ about these, our accelerators and brakes learn how to respond based on our experiences and socialization. People vary in how sensitive their brakes and accelerators are.

• The way we perceive sensation in itself is dependent on context. Our context can be internal (how we’re feeling inside) or external, based on our environment. • Expecting, eagerness & enjoying are separate function in our brain.

• Meta-emotions ie. How we feel about our feelings are paramount for self-acceptance.

• Stop beating yourself up with self-criticism and you will grow like never before. This applies so much to how we see our sexual selves – accepting where we are isn’t defeat. It’s a pathway to self-love and growth.

• Self disgust always hits the breaks. Let go of the ‘yuck’ responses, challenge them. This is a back and forth lifelong journey of unlearning.

• Nonconcordance – There is 10% overlap in a woman’s genitals and how turned on she feels and 50% overlap with men’s genitals and their desire. Your best bet isn’t looking at your partner’s genitals, but asking them what they feel and need. This difference b/w men and women doesn’t mean women are broken – it means they’re WOMEN.

• Sex isn’t a drive, it’s a higher order need.

• Orgasms happen based on how we feel i.e. they’re in our brain not our genitals!

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